Faithless


We’re all in search of something; I didn’t realize when I lost my stability, my essence. All I know, all I remember is, I have been searching for it.
I need to hear the voice, see the signs, touch the evidence, that my life has meaning.
I understand the theme is vast, and I understand that answers are intricate, but I cannot stop looking.
I cannot sum it up in a paragraph; I cannot sum it up in a book if I wanted, a longing like this has no cure when you have lost faith in the one thing that you believed when all else failed you, the remembrance of which gave you the strength to move on, there is nothing that can take that place for me.
I don’t have the words today, but all I know is that I need to write it down. Whatever I’m feeling and whatever I’m not feeling. I can’t be ironic, I cannot add mystery, all I know is that this is something that is important to me, and I cannot lose faith in something that I have spent half of my life looking for. I built this with bruised hands, and a weak heart. And all I had was my faith.
Now the foundations waiver, the walls threaten to tumble-down, because I have left the place I finally belonged in after a long time.
This is where it started for me, and this is where I wanted it to end for me.  So how did I walk away?
Everything it seems, has started to crack, I don’t want to be angry with God. No, not today and not ever, but I cannot accept my failures were lessons meant to be learned, my yearning’s demand patience, my will just needed to be strong, and all I needed was the belief I had that got me through thick and thin. A belief that did not require answers, did not require measures to be taken, it did not make me ask why I am here?
All I know is, I need my faith back, my belief and my will back. And I want to sit and talk to God. I want to be happy. I want a miracle. Even though there is a voice inside my head telling me that you are breathing right now, that is a miracle. I can hear it. But I do not embrace that voice.
Maybe I feel joyless, maybe the pain is overstated, but it tears me up, for we all have a sanctuary, where we end up being, when times get coarse, my haven has been snatched away, and I stand against the storm that life has turned into, alone, faithless.

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